Poem of The Month

    

Just Beneath the Surface

By Christy Sholola
©2010

Just beneath the surface of who I am, what I see in a reflection of me and what you see, when you look at me resides truth. It is the truth, my truth – truth that I  have spent time longing for and searching for… only to be disappointed when what I sometimes see, hear, and feel hurts me, surprises me, haunts me, upsets me, and annoys me.

When I was younger, I wasted countless hours, days, and years chasing a different truth, an abstract truth, --the ifs, buts, would haves, could haves, should haves—the illusions that complicated my acceptance of life’s reality – the highs and lows of human existence and my pursuit of the dreams God designed especially for me. I searched for a distorted reality, a life without fear, without pain, a numb existence that mirrored other folks’ perceptions of and expectations of me.

Years passed…time was disrupted as I stood on the sidelines of my  own life,  holding my breath--waiting for something, anything to happen to me—surviving and existing, but not truly living…. And there, buried beneath layers and layers of incomplete thoughts, unfinished goals, and unaddressed issues, and regrets were my unhealed scars and  gaping wounds, – fresh wounds, old wounds, unhealed wounds—wounds that would frequently break open, bleed, and fester at the sound of an old and familiar song, at the sight of a forgotten love, at the remembrance of long-ago grief disguised as the pungent smell of aged, and shriveled up red roses and freshly cut spring grass.

Just beneath the surface of my once fragile existence, my life slowly unfolded as it patiently waited for me to become an active participant, instead of an inactive spectator who idly stands by and watches other people and the passage of time highjack my life by burying me alive under my own piles and layers of fear, rage, disappointment, and frustration. Those piles and layers got so high and accumulated so quickly that I couldn’t see and I couldn’t breathe.  Over time, when I realized that I was sabotaging myself, I tried desperately to surrender so that I could just live, inhale, exhale, and experience my life as it was meant to be…
Just beneath the surface, I have now finally discovered  the essence of my humanity…It is a place where I no longer wrestle and agonize over my reality vs. other folks’ perceived reality. I no longer obsess over that thin line between love and hate, trust and mistrust, contentment and discontentment, sanity and insanity. So, here I stand…no fear, no apologies, no excuses.

Just beneath the surface, I found and now peacefully reside in my own truth where I encounter, embrace, and value the real me, the unique me that has existed all of this time… just beneath the surface.